The past few months have been amazing and really difficult all at the same time, a real roller coaster of emotions.... a constant battle of joy and sadness.
On "Joys" side we have:Cubs win the World Series
Thanksgiving
Christmas season begin
My favorite time of the year!!!
On "Sadness'" side:
I didn't get to celebrate the World Series with my dad.
I have to celebrate all this fun stuff away from most of my family.
This is all making me incredibly homesick and there is nothing I can do about that.
It's actually really interesting to look at how you expected your life and compare it to how it is turning out...
How I had imagined my life 10 years ago (more or less): I would go to collage and get a degree in Physical Therapy. I would meet someone early in my years at university, we would fall in love, get married, live in a small place and get a dog. A few years down the road we would have kids and move into a house and eventually I would become a stay at home mom with a bunch of little kids running around. I imagined the stereotypical, white picket fence, american dream. Perfect.
At THAT moment, I think God laughed at me, picked me up, whispered "I love you, trust me", and threw me into a tornado.
Now: 23, living in Kampala, Uganda (an over populated, way too crowded city that I just don't care for). I am trying to get a ministry started and feeling (lets be honest) completely clueless and lost. I have no collage degree, no car, no husband, no kids.... not even a dog because the apartment I am in is too small. And I am CONSTANTLY homesick.
The harder things get here the more I desire the "american dream". I want a simple, "normal", American life. I want to be able to bake chocolate chip cookies and not worry about my very limited stash of chocolate chips are going down too quickly. I want to be able to step out of the house in shorts and not offend people because 4 inches of my thighs are showing. I want to not have people constantly trying to rip me off because I am white and they assume I am rich. I want to watch a Cubs game with my dad (at a normal hour of the day) and have a cup of coffee with my mom. I want to live down the road from my niece, nephews and younger siblings getting to spoil them and see them grow up. I want snow and a Christmas with the whole family in one place. I just want to be in the same country as my family, even if that would mean a 12 hour drive. Well, at this point, I would even just love to be able to afford to go home once a year to see my family.
~ Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I realize I am so, very blessed. I thank God regularly for the things he has given me and that is something He is putting on my heart a lot recently, I am really working on it. But I need to be honest.... this life, being so far away from my family and closest friends is incredibly hard (that's all even before I have really started ministry stuff here) ~
The battle between joy and sadness is a very difficult one. You are happy one minute and a very small thing (like a picture or a memory) can send you into extreme sadness, sometimes even depression. Often, just like in the movie Inside Out (if you have not yet seen it, seriously, it's a must) I often feel obligated to try to push away all negative feelings. Anytime I am sad, I try to just get over it. When I am homesick I try to distract myself. When I desire a different life or a different calling I try my best to just drown out my feelings. "Joy" always tries to kick out "sadness", but that is not always the answer.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie everyone turns to Joy for help, but she has different plans:
Joy- "Sadness, its up to you."
Sadness- "Me?!?"..."I cant, Joy."
Joy- "Yes, you can. Riley needs you."
Sadness then steps up, stops Riley from running away and invites Joy to join her at the control console and they work together to fix the whole situation. Sometimes, sadness has its place in our lives.
I so often wrestle with myself, feeling guilty for the fact that I do not yet like the life God has called me to. But sometimes God calls us to hard places so we can prove to Him where our trust really lies. Trials come with sadness.... often lots of sadness, but God will lead us through. God will eventually bring us to a point of eternal joy.
Now and always, I choose trust God. Sometimes that means choosing joy and sometimes that means accepting the sadness, but trust is the key. I have wept. I have grieved. It is time to wash my face. It is time to embrace the life I have. It is time to choose to look to God for the small joys in life.
Now: 23, living in Kampala, Uganda (an over populated, way too crowded city that I just don't care for). I am trying to get a ministry started and feeling (lets be honest) completely clueless and lost. I have no collage degree, no car, no husband, no kids.... not even a dog because the apartment I am in is too small. And I am CONSTANTLY homesick.
The harder things get here the more I desire the "american dream". I want a simple, "normal", American life. I want to be able to bake chocolate chip cookies and not worry about my very limited stash of chocolate chips are going down too quickly. I want to be able to step out of the house in shorts and not offend people because 4 inches of my thighs are showing. I want to not have people constantly trying to rip me off because I am white and they assume I am rich. I want to watch a Cubs game with my dad (at a normal hour of the day) and have a cup of coffee with my mom. I want to live down the road from my niece, nephews and younger siblings getting to spoil them and see them grow up. I want snow and a Christmas with the whole family in one place. I just want to be in the same country as my family, even if that would mean a 12 hour drive. Well, at this point, I would even just love to be able to afford to go home once a year to see my family.~ Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I realize I am so, very blessed. I thank God regularly for the things he has given me and that is something He is putting on my heart a lot recently, I am really working on it. But I need to be honest.... this life, being so far away from my family and closest friends is incredibly hard (that's all even before I have really started ministry stuff here) ~
The battle between joy and sadness is a very difficult one. You are happy one minute and a very small thing (like a picture or a memory) can send you into extreme sadness, sometimes even depression. Often, just like in the movie Inside Out (if you have not yet seen it, seriously, it's a must) I often feel obligated to try to push away all negative feelings. Anytime I am sad, I try to just get over it. When I am homesick I try to distract myself. When I desire a different life or a different calling I try my best to just drown out my feelings. "Joy" always tries to kick out "sadness", but that is not always the answer.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie everyone turns to Joy for help, but she has different plans:Joy- "Sadness, its up to you."
Sadness- "Me?!?"..."I cant, Joy."
Joy- "Yes, you can. Riley needs you."
Sadness then steps up, stops Riley from running away and invites Joy to join her at the control console and they work together to fix the whole situation. Sometimes, sadness has its place in our lives.
I so often wrestle with myself, feeling guilty for the fact that I do not yet like the life God has called me to. But sometimes God calls us to hard places so we can prove to Him where our trust really lies. Trials come with sadness.... often lots of sadness, but God will lead us through. God will eventually bring us to a point of eternal joy.
Now and always, I choose trust God. Sometimes that means choosing joy and sometimes that means accepting the sadness, but trust is the key. I have wept. I have grieved. It is time to wash my face. It is time to embrace the life I have. It is time to choose to look to God for the small joys in life.
