Struggling for the next breath

Have you ever been pulled out into the ocean?

You try to swim back to shore, but for a little bit you are stuck right in the space where the waves peak. The wave crashes over your head, taking you under, you struggle to get back up and eventually you do. You barley catch your breath before another wave comes and you struggle through that one too. You can't even scream for help because when you do have the chance to catch your breath you are just trying your very best not to panic because panicking makes it all worse. While you are stuck in this terrifying spot all you can think is, "is this how I am going to die?" "will I ever make it back to shore?"

The day that Merlyn left it felt as if a riptide pulled me out and I got stuck out in the ocean. Since that day, I feel as though I will forever be stuck in this horrible place where it is just me struggling. I catch my breath and I think for a moment, I don't see another wave coming, maybe I'll be okay.... but then out of nowhere it hits. There is no telling how long I will be under and it feels as thought I may never come up for air again. 

At this point I am unable to share much information about the girls case, but I will say that they were sent to a very unsafe situation. That is what makes this all so difficult. I have struggled through goodbyes with our kids before, but I made it through knowing that even if their situation was not wonderful, we were not concerned for the child's safety. 

I do want to take a minute to explain something really quickly, this post is written about Merlyn but for a very specific reason. I am in no way saying that I don't love or don't miss Cristal, its just having Cristal leave and having Merlyn leave were two very different situations. We realized before all of this happened that we were unable to continue to care for Cristal, so we were already prepared to say goodbye to her. Cristal has been through so, very much in her short life, and we realized that we were not equip to deal with her struggles. A few weeks before the hearing we had begun looking for a good, Christian home that would agree to care for, council and love her because we felt like we were unable to continue her daily care. Not only that, Cristal was only with us for 3 months and even thought we really do love her, it was a very difficult 3 months. On the other hand, Merlyn has been with our ministry most of her life. She knows that she lived with my parents when I was in Uganda, but she doesn't remember that at all. Stevie and I are the only parents she remembers. Merlyn was the first child who ever called me mom. She is my little mini me. She always followed me around, talked non-stop with me and loves everything that I love. So as I write and talk about how hard it was for Merlyn to leave, it is in no way saying that we do not love Cristal, it is just very very very different situations!

Every day is a struggle to stay afloat....
Each day that passes and she is not with me, I think about the life she has now. I wonder if she feels safe and feels loved... and I can't help but think even if she is feeling that way now, will it last?

I can't catch my breath. 

Everywhere I look, I am reminded of her. Our house is littered with hier art projects and the clothes that were not sent with her. Our music play lists have songs that she loves and as we listen it's almost as if I can still hear her little voice from the other room singing the wrong lyrics.

I struggle to come up for air. 

I walk into the girls room and I miss hearing her say "buenos dias, mami!" and begin the day by talking my ear off. My heart aches with the desire to simply fold laundry as she stands next to me talking about anything and everything.

I get pulled under once again.

Am I stuck here?

When I talk about life I try my best to be open about my struggles and in the end I can explain how God has used it to help me.... it's almost as if I can wrap up my struggle and my lesson, I can place a bow on it and put it aside so that when I struggle in the future I can revisit it to remind me of Gods ultimate plan. I'm going to be honest with you, I put off writing this for so long because I wanted to be able to wrap up our story with a lesson but I'm not there yet. I can't find the lesson and I for sure  don't have the bow yet. I don't know how to keep going so I can't wrap this one up and revisit it because I am still living it (and I may be for a very long time). I want to be able to use these struggles as a message of hope to others but most days I can't hold on to hope myself. So until I see the bigger picture, until God's work on this situation progresses much further, until I can feel like a real person again, until I can make it back to shore.... all I can do is remind myself that until the day Jesus comes back, no story is finished. All I can do is do my best to keep my head above water.