June Craziness

The past month or so has not at all been what I had expected. The Fraley family over the past few years is truly like a second family to me, they are amazing! Well, on the morning of June 5th I got word that the one of their boys, James, was in the ICU and the next day got the devastating new that their other son, Xander, unexpectedly passed away. While still laying in bed, I turned to Stevie and said, "I'm right that there is no way we can afford for me to go be with them, right?" and he responded, "I think we need to make it be alright." The following days were stressful as we tried to sort out the details of everything and dealing with the U.S. embassy to get my passport back (it had been there because of dealing with my name change). Finally everything was figured out, I flew out on June 10th. Stevie, being the amazing husband and father that he is, insisted that I head to Ohio for 2 weeks and that he would stay behind to hold down the fort. My awesome brother, Jeremiah stayed around the house an extra lot to help out. (Did I mention how incredible my husband is?!?!)

We got in late Sunday night (Taryn went too. She had been planning on taking a trip to the states later this year, but bumped up her trip considering the circumstances). Tuesday evening my dad did a beautiful marmoreal service celebrating the wonderful life of Xander.

Boy do I miss his smile!

Most of my time in the Ohio was spent with the Fraleys.... it was so nice to be able to be with them again. There was a lot of talking, crying and laughing over those 2 weeks. (Seriously guys, these are some of the coolest people I know)

I even got to visit James in the hospital 

I was so happy to get to spend some time with my in-laws, my sister and her family and a few friends. (Sadly, I just kept forgetting to take pictures so this is basically all of them

:( )

I absolutely hated the circumstances of me being there, but I had such a good time with everyone... but man was it hard being away from Stevie and the kids. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with everyone. Please continue to pray for Guy and Amy and the kids as they continue to figure out life after tragedy.

Worthy of the Calling

As you know we have been praying and trying to figure out what Gods next step is for us and we have come to a decision... Guatemala is home to us and for this moment in our lives it is going to stay that way. Through this confusing year of figuring out where I/(then it changed to) we were supposed to go, God has definitely put Liberia on our hearts, and I don't know what that will mean for our futures. Maybe we will just continue to be prayer partners with the people on the ground there, maybe down the road we will still end up there or maybe God has something completely different planned for us.... I have no idea. It truly has been a very big, full and crazy year and I really am unsure of what that means for the future, but for the moment we are here. We get to minister to the people of Guatemala, we get to love on our 9 amazing (albeit often quite ornery and defiant) children and we get to grow in our relationship with God and with each other in a country we both know and love. We get to strive each and every day to live the way God has called us and to raise our children to know and love Him. Thank you for all your continued prayer and support, we need it now more than ever as our home continues to grow. 

Love Until You Break

Time and time again, I have heard the phrase "love until it hurts", and there is so much truth to that. But sometimes, it goes further than that. I can say from experience, it doesn't always stop there, often hurt ends up breaking you. You find yourself wondering if you can continue... Sometimes it's you wondering if you can continue in your job, or your calling, and sometimes it's you wondering if you can continue in life.

On January 19th, we lost our little Analia. When we got the call back in May, wondering if we would accept this little girl, we knew she would die in our care (she had a rare condition that made her a terminal case). Because of this, I wanted to say no to her. I didn't want to open myself up to love someone so much, to become her mom and love her as my own, if I would just have to say goodbye to her (I knew that that was not the right way to approach the situation, but that is what my emotions were saying). Taryn had a level head about it, she knew we had to say yes to this little girl because she needed our love. Taryn was my voice of reasoning. At Analia's funeral, as Stevie and the other guys lowered our little girl into the ground, I leaned over to Taryn and through tears said, "Thank you for convincing me that we needed to take her". 

Love until you break. 

On Saturday we had to say goodbye to our Samuel. He has been with us since June and has brought so much joy, energy and noise to this house. His family situation is rough and we thought he would be with us long term, seeing as his previous court hearing he was told he would never be able to be returned to his aunt and uncle (who, up until this point, were the only people who showed any interest in Samuel). But on January 30th our hearts broke as we were informed that a brother (who Samuel didn't seem to recognize at all) showed up out of nowhere and said that he wanted Samuel. We love Samuel like crazy, he is our boy, but we had no choice but to send him away.

Love until you break.

I have read that there is a Japanese art of fixing pottery called Kintsugi. This is a centuries-old technique that uses a special lacquer (mixed with platinum, silver or gold) to put broken pottery back together. This technique is used to celebrate the potteries history and beautify and strengthen the pottery as a whole, rather than to hide the broken parts.

I think that this is a beautiful representation of what God does in us. Everyone says "God will let you bend, but he wont let you break." I do not believe that to be true. He does let us break, he just promises that He will always be there to pick us up and put us back together. He allows us to break so that we can be turned into the beautiful, strengthened creation that he wants us to be. Right now, it's pretty impossible to see why God took Analia away and why he sent Samuel back to his family. I don't know why or how God is using these thing to shape us, but I trust that he is, and I trust that he also knows what he is doing through all of this.

So, open yourself up, be vulnerable... love until you break.

Prayer for future

I will have a blog post about our little, Analia coming very soon, but I was working on this post before she passed, so I decided to get this out while I continue working on the new one...

I am writing this blog post simply to inform everyone on where Stevie and I are at the moment and ask for your prayers for wisdom. I am going to be open and honest about all of our thoughts and feelings so that all of you can see that we are trying to figure out our next steps, but we are in no way taking them lightly. We are bathing this in prayer and we just need others to step up and pray with us and for us. This is also a random compilation of our thoughts, so it is not written very well, and I'm sorry about that, but there is really no smooth way of doing a post like this.

A few weeks ago my dad sat down with me and Stevie because he said that he and some others have not seen a passion and a drive from us to get to Liberia. He was in no way being critical or judgmental, just making a statement and asking us where our passion is. After some talking both Stevie and I confirmed that our passion and love is here in Guatemala, but that in no way would that stop us from following Gods call. So my dads next question was, how confident were we in Gods call to Liberia... That was a hard question to answer. Basically, in February of last year, I felt God telling me that there was something new ahead of me. I prayed that he would show my Dad what that was, and about 3 days later (without knowing that I had been praying this way), my dad approached me about going to Liberia. After some time praying together, it just felt right, so I made the commitment and started taking the steps towards that (packing up life in Uganda and returning to Guatemala until everything was ready for me to head to Liberia). In the meantime, me and Taryn started up the second group home in Guatemala, and Stevie and I started a relationship. Here we are, starting 2018 married with 9 kids, and we have no idea what is ahead.

On the other side, in Liberia they have been working so, very, hard to prepare for us to get there. They are hiring new staff, people who are doing amazing work. Through all of the "preparation" for us to join them, some amazing changes have been made to get this home organized and make huge improvements in the care of these children. One of my first thoughts was, "If they have been preparing so much, how can we pull out now?"... But then I realized, what if they needed a "commitment" from us to get this portion of the ministry off the ground? What if this home really is supposed to be fully run by Liberians, but they just needed a push to get it off the ground, and God used us for that (I am not saying that this is the case, I am just voicing my thoughts)? Our friends there on the ground have made it clear that they know God has everything in control, and they just want us in Gods will whether that is here or there. They have relieved us of any prior commitments to them for the time being, and are praying with us and for us as we seek God's will for our future.

Ever since I felt the personal call to missions, I made a promise that a relationship with a guy would never get in the way of Gods call on my life. I can honestly say that this relationship, this marriage, is not what has made us unexcited to go to Liberia. It is our strong love for these kids, our kids, that has kept us from having the excitement of getting to Liberia. We really do love these kids as our own, and the thought of leaving them breaks our hearts. We hurt so much at even the thought of moving away..... However sometimes God calls us to things that are impossibly difficult.

Over the years, I have met so many people that have stated with certainty that God was calling them to do _______ (fill in the blank), but then they meet someone, or they go back to school, or they get a new job, and suddenly Gods calling no longer seems important. To be honest, I have been so frustrated with person after person who has done this, that it has impaired my ability to think and pray in the correct way concerning the possibility of staying here. My frustration with these people has very much been a factor in trying to make this decision because I don't want people to judge me the way I have judged others. God is really changing my heart on that. God has reminded me that I don't know their whole story. And that is why I am trying to tell the whole story. No matter the outcome of this decision, I want you all to know that this is not a decision we take lightly. This decision affects our families, our marriage, our ministry... our entire lives.

Basically, we have no idea what is going to happen (and sorry again for the awkward writing, as it is just a bunch thoughts just thrown together). Both Stevie and I are willing to go and willing to do whatever God asks of us no matter how hard it is, we are just waiting on word from him. We are praying and seeking God's will for our lives. Not only that, we are also seeking counseling from a few people who are close to us, and that we consider to be very wise and Godly people. But we do not want opinions of others clouding our judgement as we seek God in making this huge life decision. So, respectfully, please do not write us giving us your thoughts and opinions. Instead, please be praying for us for wisdom, clarity of mind, and word from God as to what our next step is. We are willing to follow Him anywhere and we are willing to do anything He wants from us.

Thank you all for your prayers, support and encouragement.