Struggling for the next breath

Have you ever been pulled out into the ocean?

You try to swim back to shore, but for a little bit you are stuck right in the space where the waves peak. The wave crashes over your head, taking you under, you struggle to get back up and eventually you do. You barley catch your breath before another wave comes and you struggle through that one too. You can't even scream for help because when you do have the chance to catch your breath you are just trying your very best not to panic because panicking makes it all worse. While you are stuck in this terrifying spot all you can think is, "is this how I am going to die?" "will I ever make it back to shore?"

The day that Merlyn left it felt as if a riptide pulled me out and I got stuck out in the ocean. Since that day, I feel as though I will forever be stuck in this horrible place where it is just me struggling. I catch my breath and I think for a moment, I don't see another wave coming, maybe I'll be okay.... but then out of nowhere it hits. There is no telling how long I will be under and it feels as thought I may never come up for air again. 

At this point I am unable to share much information about the girls case, but I will say that they were sent to a very unsafe situation. That is what makes this all so difficult. I have struggled through goodbyes with our kids before, but I made it through knowing that even if their situation was not wonderful, we were not concerned for the child's safety. 

I do want to take a minute to explain something really quickly, this post is written about Merlyn but for a very specific reason. I am in no way saying that I don't love or don't miss Cristal, its just having Cristal leave and having Merlyn leave were two very different situations. We realized before all of this happened that we were unable to continue to care for Cristal, so we were already prepared to say goodbye to her. Cristal has been through so, very much in her short life, and we realized that we were not equip to deal with her struggles. A few weeks before the hearing we had begun looking for a good, Christian home that would agree to care for, council and love her because we felt like we were unable to continue her daily care. Not only that, Cristal was only with us for 3 months and even thought we really do love her, it was a very difficult 3 months. On the other hand, Merlyn has been with our ministry most of her life. She knows that she lived with my parents when I was in Uganda, but she doesn't remember that at all. Stevie and I are the only parents she remembers. Merlyn was the first child who ever called me mom. She is my little mini me. She always followed me around, talked non-stop with me and loves everything that I love. So as I write and talk about how hard it was for Merlyn to leave, it is in no way saying that we do not love Cristal, it is just very very very different situations!

Every day is a struggle to stay afloat....
Each day that passes and she is not with me, I think about the life she has now. I wonder if she feels safe and feels loved... and I can't help but think even if she is feeling that way now, will it last?

I can't catch my breath. 

Everywhere I look, I am reminded of her. Our house is littered with hier art projects and the clothes that were not sent with her. Our music play lists have songs that she loves and as we listen it's almost as if I can still hear her little voice from the other room singing the wrong lyrics.

I struggle to come up for air. 

I walk into the girls room and I miss hearing her say "buenos dias, mami!" and begin the day by talking my ear off. My heart aches with the desire to simply fold laundry as she stands next to me talking about anything and everything.

I get pulled under once again.

Am I stuck here?

When I talk about life I try my best to be open about my struggles and in the end I can explain how God has used it to help me.... it's almost as if I can wrap up my struggle and my lesson, I can place a bow on it and put it aside so that when I struggle in the future I can revisit it to remind me of Gods ultimate plan. I'm going to be honest with you, I put off writing this for so long because I wanted to be able to wrap up our story with a lesson but I'm not there yet. I can't find the lesson and I for sure  don't have the bow yet. I don't know how to keep going so I can't wrap this one up and revisit it because I am still living it (and I may be for a very long time). I want to be able to use these struggles as a message of hope to others but most days I can't hold on to hope myself. So until I see the bigger picture, until God's work on this situation progresses much further, until I can feel like a real person again, until I can make it back to shore.... all I can do is remind myself that until the day Jesus comes back, no story is finished. All I can do is do my best to keep my head above water.

Traveling and Donations

I have been working on putting together a blog of what has been going on over the past few weeks, but seeing as so much emotion is involved it has been difficult to put into words what we are experiencing. In the meantime...

I will be in Ohio from September 17th to October 1st. I am also using that time to get stuff that is harder to get and/or are just way more expensive here (including some very early Christmas shopping). I have put together a "baby registry" on Amazon and it is under "Carissa Chapin".
Here is a breakdown of everything on the registry because I know that I enjoy buying gifts knowing who they are going to :) Would you consider helping us out with stuff around the house and helping us prepare a fun Christmas for the kids?

Books:
A bilingual bible for Jose.
3 Minute Devotional Book for Jose.
Jesus Calling for Kids so that we have a good devotional book to read to the kids every night.
Because I love You, Topsy-Turvy Kingdom, A Max Lucado Children's Treasury, and The Wonderful World of Wemmicks... all books that teach of Gods love and purpose on our lives.

For the House:
We have a big problem with some of our rooms echoing a ton, so on the list there are blankets to hang up as decorations to help limit the echos. Star Wars for the boys room, sunflowers for the girls room and the sloth for the play room.
We are about to redecorate our main bathroom because it is in bad need of a spruce up, we will be decorating with dinosaurs so we have a fun shower curtain picked out.

Therapy:
Light up gloves for sensory play for Christian

Christmas presents:
Baby Doll Wheelchairs for both Teresita and Genesis
Star Nightlight for Roxana
Ball Pit for Paola
Repeating Panda for Cristina
Interactive Corgi Toy for Danilo

If you are able to help out, please make sure the orders are placed before September 17th, so that I know what we have and can make other plans. Also, if anyone in the Troy area has an extra suit case or two that wouldn't be a problem to part with, it would be a huge help! (that way I will not have to pay to take multiple empty bags to the states just to bring stuff back down). IF you are able to help out with the suitcases, please message me through facebook.

Whether or not you can help with the list, your thoughts and prayers and continued support are very much appreciated! We also want to thank you everyone for your continued prayers through this very emotionally difficult time, we can not express our gratitude enough!

Being a special needs, foster mom means...

I want to start out by saying, this is not me saying any type of mom is any better or worse than another... this is simply me sharing my experiences as a mom to help others see a VERY SMALL glimpse into our daily lives, both the struggles and joys that come along with it. This is also written about moms simply because I am writing from my own point of view, but this is just as applicable to dads as well.

BEING A MOM MEANS...
interpreting the cries and kissing the skinned knees.
cooking and cleaning.
disciplining and raising a good, respectful child.
being an example to your children.
school and activity pickups and drop offs.
laundry, laundry and more laundry.
constant clothes shopping because kids never stop growing and/or destroying their clothes.

BEING A SPECIAL NEEDS MOM MEANS....
a whole new level of care.
interpreting the cries all through life (if your child is nonverbal).
a life of spoon feeding and diaper changes.
one appointment after the next.
searching for babysitters that are comfortable caring for all the needs of your child.
life long caregiving (and the constant fear of what will happen to your child if something happens to you).
almost every activity and every outing must be altered to include that child.
having to tell your child "Im sorry, but you just can't do that because of ____".
comforting your child after they have had their hopes crushed time and time again because their needs stop them from joining in.
reminding your child that being different is not a bad thing.
watching your child struggle to complete "simple" every-day tasks.
being asked "which of your kids are completely normal?"

BEING A FOSTER MOM MEANS...
having people treat you like you aren't a real mom because your story is different from theirs.
always having the fear that that call will come and it will be time to say goodbye.
not always being called "mom" because you have to respect the fact that that child has another family.
hiding some painful truths from your child about their biological family, because there is no reason to add pain to an already hurting child.
fearing the following days after visitation day because of regression.
dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
when talking about your family, being told "when you have your own kids, you will do things differently".
being told "when you have biological kids, you will love them differently then the ones you have now".
having to follow certain rules and regulations on how to raise your child.
knowing that if that child leaves you may never see them again.
accepting that that child is your everything... but tomorrow they may be calling someone else their family.
having your child yell "you're not my mom!" at you.
always being told "I could never foster, I would get too attached."
people assuming that the love you have for your foster child is somehow different from the love they have for their child.
if your child passes away people pretending like it's no big deal because they weren't your biological child, even though it feels as though your world is falling apart.

BEING A SPECIAL NEEDS, FOSTER MOM....
SUCKS!

BUT IT MEANS....
seeing hope in the eyes of a child who came to you with no hope at all.
finding a system of communication for a child who has never had a voice.
providing a comforting and safe environment to kids who so badly need it.
seeing a child who was previously unable to move around independently moving their chair on their own.
celebrating birthday's of kids who have never had that kind of affection before.
teaching kids about the love of God.
praising a child for an accomplishment and seeing the joy in their eyes because they have never heard that kind of encouragement.
learning every aspect of an autistic child's behavior so that you can help them live their happiest life.
fighting on behalf of a child who has never experienced that kind of love before.
being the family (even if only for a little while) to a child who has only ever lived in an institution.
hugs and kisses out the wazoo!
getting to love a child who has never experienced love before. 

Life

To be honest, it has been so long since my last update that I don't really know what to say or where to go with this. I have tried writing updates multiple times, but with some of the difficulties we have had to go through in the last 9 months, it is hard to put everything into words. So, I don't know what else to do but a quick month by month updates with pictures.

July
Daniel returned home to his mother. Even though we knew from the beginning of him joining our family that this was the end goal, it was still so, very hard to make the transition. I miss him so much, but we are so glad to know he is with someone who loves him so much.

August
We received Wellington (13 years old) and Jose (11 years old) from another home. Both boys have mild Cerebral Palsy and are mentally their age (so dealing with a pre-teen and a teenager has been quite a stressful task, but we are making it through). That meant our family consisted of Stevie, me and 11 kids!

September
Was a horrible month... Our beautiful, little Yasmin went to be with Jesus.

October
Not at all important, but I got my tattoo (that previously only had Thanias name) expanded...
"by your grace, it is well"

November
Stevie and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary! My how time flies!

December
Of course CHRISTMAS!

January
I was having some very small health problems over the previous few months and I was finally diagnosed with PCOS... Thats really nothing in comparison to everything with the kids, its just something that has been going on in life.

February
I am honestly not sure how to talk about February.... it was one of the longest, most stressful months of my life. Stevie and I felt we were long overdue for a fresh start, so we began interviewing ladies to be our new nannies. With broken hearts we began looking for a new place for Wellington to live. This was not something we wanted, but it was something that we were legally obligated to do.

March
Wellington finally had his court hearing and he was actually sent back to his biological father. There was so much uncertainty with his whole case, which was the main cause of stress. We had been praying for a miracle and we believe that him going home is the miracle we were asking for. The new nannies began working for us.... so that meant training and all the stress that comes because of that, but we love them and they are amazing! Such a good fit for our family. The last 2 weeks of March were when life actually began to calm down a bit and my stress has finally reached the lowest point it has been probably since summer 2017 (shortly after we opened the home). Praise GOD!

Oh.... and baseball season started!!!!!! Go CUBS!!!!

April

So far this month has been fairly calm... however we do have a child's hearing next week that is a very sensitive one. Please pray that the judge will make the best for this child's life and that God will protect them and their future (and please pray for us as this is very difficult not knowing what will happen).

So thats about it. I am so sorry that I have done such a poor job of keeping you all updated, but with the heartbreak that was popping up every couple months it has became very hard to put everything into words and actually write about life. I am working very hard at getting my personal schedule more organized and consistent so I am very hopeful that this will be the start of me doing better at updating. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! 

June Craziness

The past month or so has not at all been what I had expected. The Fraley family over the past few years is truly like a second family to me, they are amazing! Well, on the morning of June 5th I got word that the one of their boys, James, was in the ICU and the next day got the devastating new that their other son, Xander, unexpectedly passed away. While still laying in bed, I turned to Stevie and said, "I'm right that there is no way we can afford for me to go be with them, right?" and he responded, "I think we need to make it be alright." The following days were stressful as we tried to sort out the details of everything and dealing with the U.S. embassy to get my passport back (it had been there because of dealing with my name change). Finally everything was figured out, I flew out on June 10th. Stevie, being the amazing husband and father that he is, insisted that I head to Ohio for 2 weeks and that he would stay behind to hold down the fort. My awesome brother, Jeremiah stayed around the house an extra lot to help out. (Did I mention how incredible my husband is?!?!)

We got in late Sunday night (Taryn went too. She had been planning on taking a trip to the states later this year, but bumped up her trip considering the circumstances). Tuesday evening my dad did a beautiful marmoreal service celebrating the wonderful life of Xander.

Boy do I miss his smile!

Most of my time in the Ohio was spent with the Fraleys.... it was so nice to be able to be with them again. There was a lot of talking, crying and laughing over those 2 weeks. (Seriously guys, these are some of the coolest people I know)

I even got to visit James in the hospital 

I was so happy to get to spend some time with my in-laws, my sister and her family and a few friends. (Sadly, I just kept forgetting to take pictures so this is basically all of them

:( )

I absolutely hated the circumstances of me being there, but I had such a good time with everyone... but man was it hard being away from Stevie and the kids. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with everyone. Please continue to pray for Guy and Amy and the kids as they continue to figure out life after tragedy.

Worthy of the Calling

As you know we have been praying and trying to figure out what Gods next step is for us and we have come to a decision... Guatemala is home to us and for this moment in our lives it is going to stay that way. Through this confusing year of figuring out where I/(then it changed to) we were supposed to go, God has definitely put Liberia on our hearts, and I don't know what that will mean for our futures. Maybe we will just continue to be prayer partners with the people on the ground there, maybe down the road we will still end up there or maybe God has something completely different planned for us.... I have no idea. It truly has been a very big, full and crazy year and I really am unsure of what that means for the future, but for the moment we are here. We get to minister to the people of Guatemala, we get to love on our 9 amazing (albeit often quite ornery and defiant) children and we get to grow in our relationship with God and with each other in a country we both know and love. We get to strive each and every day to live the way God has called us and to raise our children to know and love Him. Thank you for all your continued prayer and support, we need it now more than ever as our home continues to grow. 

Love Until You Break

Time and time again, I have heard the phrase "love until it hurts", and there is so much truth to that. But sometimes, it goes further than that. I can say from experience, it doesn't always stop there, often hurt ends up breaking you. You find yourself wondering if you can continue... Sometimes it's you wondering if you can continue in your job, or your calling, and sometimes it's you wondering if you can continue in life.

On January 19th, we lost our little Analia. When we got the call back in May, wondering if we would accept this little girl, we knew she would die in our care (she had a rare condition that made her a terminal case). Because of this, I wanted to say no to her. I didn't want to open myself up to love someone so much, to become her mom and love her as my own, if I would just have to say goodbye to her (I knew that that was not the right way to approach the situation, but that is what my emotions were saying). Taryn had a level head about it, she knew we had to say yes to this little girl because she needed our love. Taryn was my voice of reasoning. At Analia's funeral, as Stevie and the other guys lowered our little girl into the ground, I leaned over to Taryn and through tears said, "Thank you for convincing me that we needed to take her". 

Love until you break. 

On Saturday we had to say goodbye to our Samuel. He has been with us since June and has brought so much joy, energy and noise to this house. His family situation is rough and we thought he would be with us long term, seeing as his previous court hearing he was told he would never be able to be returned to his aunt and uncle (who, up until this point, were the only people who showed any interest in Samuel). But on January 30th our hearts broke as we were informed that a brother (who Samuel didn't seem to recognize at all) showed up out of nowhere and said that he wanted Samuel. We love Samuel like crazy, he is our boy, but we had no choice but to send him away.

Love until you break.

I have read that there is a Japanese art of fixing pottery called Kintsugi. This is a centuries-old technique that uses a special lacquer (mixed with platinum, silver or gold) to put broken pottery back together. This technique is used to celebrate the potteries history and beautify and strengthen the pottery as a whole, rather than to hide the broken parts.

I think that this is a beautiful representation of what God does in us. Everyone says "God will let you bend, but he wont let you break." I do not believe that to be true. He does let us break, he just promises that He will always be there to pick us up and put us back together. He allows us to break so that we can be turned into the beautiful, strengthened creation that he wants us to be. Right now, it's pretty impossible to see why God took Analia away and why he sent Samuel back to his family. I don't know why or how God is using these thing to shape us, but I trust that he is, and I trust that he also knows what he is doing through all of this.

So, open yourself up, be vulnerable... love until you break.