Less of me, more of you...: What if...

On Sunday afternoon our sweet, beautiful Thania passed away. She started getting a respiratory infection 2 days ago, but it seemed like no big deal. That morning I stayed home from church with her, Angelita (who is also a little stick) and Christian (he dosnt always sit very well through church, so since a few of us were home, I decided to keep him home also.) Thania was not breathing fantastically, but nothing to be too concerned about... but suddenly it got worst. I called the family (who were on the way from church) and I pulled out her feeding tube... as soon as Dad got home (just a few min behind the rest of the family) we hopped in the van to head to the hospital... less then a min down the road, it felt like the whole world stopped. I began panicking and told Dad that she stopped breathing. He immediately pulled over came back and started doing CPR. He kept her alive until the ambulance got there, they grabbed her... and put her in the ambulance (my dad going with them). After some vehicle issues, my mom and I arrived at the hospital only to be greeted at the door by my father.... he was shaking his head.
That was it.
Thania was with Jesus.
My world spun.
I have never felt that kind of pain, that kind of grief.

After a few very long hours, my dad returned home... only to head back to the hospital again in the morning. Late morning dad returned home, this time with her body. We were told that the results of the biopsy showed that (we believe) she had had un-diagnosed cystic fibrosis (which explains why it went from a cold and escalated so quickly.

From the moment she stopped breathing in my arms, in the back of my dads truck, I began to think of all kids of "what if"s that continued for the next few hours.
What if I had called dad earlier?
What if I had emphasized my fear or my urgency?
What if we had taken her to the doctor the moment the cold showed up?
What if the geneticist that she visited a few months ago had noticed her condition?
What if....
What if....
What if....

But within no time I realized that all my "what if"s where completely pointless.
It would not have mattered if I called dad earlier or emphasized my fears. It would not have mattered if the family doctor or the geneticist had noticed anything.... none of that mattered the least bit. I know this because I trust God... I dont understand him, but I trust him. Thania's time here on earth was complete. She no longer had a reason to stay here.

Thania no longer has the pain of dislocated hips. She is no longer tight from Cerebral Palsy. She no longer struggles to drink her formula and she no longer needs a feeding tube. She no longer is suffering here on this earth and for that I praise God.
Thania is now running. She is dancing. She is singing and she is whole.

All of this is great, and it gives me hope for the future... but it dose not mean I am not hurting. I am hurting deeply. I loved that girl with all my heart. Knowing that I will not see her again in this life breaks my heart. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. But life goes on, weather I want it to or not.

I must love every child I meet with the love I had for Thania. That is the reason I am hear on this earth to love those that God loved.