Embracing the Pain

First of all I want to say, I have been working on this post for about 2 month now. I keep coming back to it, deleting parts of it and re-writing, then deleting and changing. So, after of all that I really, REALLY hope it all makes sense and it gets my point across... but if it seems to get a little confusing at points, I am sorry and please just bear with me.

For all who don't already know, I really love movies. I especially love Marvel moves.... so great! Well, often when I watch moves I notice cool meaning in them.... this blog post is stemmed from something in X-Men Days of Future Past. So, "spoiler alert!" (I talk about a conversation from it, but its not telling anything very important to the plot of the movie.) Basically, through a very strange series of events, 1973 Charles Xavier and 2014(?) Charles Xavier are face to face. Young Charles (choking back tears) explains why he shut the world out and turned away from what he once believed in.

Young Charles - "I opened my mind and it almost overwhelmed me."... "All those voices. So much pain."

Old Charles - "...and as frightening as it may be, that pain will make you strong if you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it. It will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the greatest gift we have; to bear their pain without breaking and its born from the most human part. Hope."

So, LIFE....
From a normal persons point of view:
(To quote the mean kid from Barnyard) "I do what I want, when I want cause I wanna do it!" This is basically the way people think; if you don't agree with every single little thing I think and say then that's fine, don't be my friend (which is quite a childish thing to say, but back to the point).
If any risky variables (people or situations) exist, simply eliminate it from your life = no chance of getting hurt.

From a logical persons point of view:
If possible, it is easiest to just avoid any chance of pain. So, simplest life would be to have a few, healthy, smart, well-off people around us (people like that are not likely to walk off the deep end).
Small amount of risky variables = Small chance of being hurt.

From a normal Christians point of view:
Jesus surrounded himself with everyone... sinners and all. So, life would be easiest if we could just surround ourselves with the "well-off" people I mentioned before and with just a few non-Christians that we want to lead to Christ. Putting ourselves in the "middle ground", allowing ourselves to be in situations that will hurt us, but keeping it in a controlled setting.
Medium amount of risky variables = Medium change of being hurt.

But God calls us to be so much more, to do so much more...
How a normal, Christian should look at it:
Jesus surrounded himself not only with sinners but with the demon possessed, the sick, the injured, the dying. The worst people you can imagine in the worst of circumstance.
Large amount of risky variables = Large chance of being hurt... over and over and over again.

God calls us to look after orphans and widows. He calls us to love the "unlovable". He calls us to go directly to the sick and the helpless, to go into the filth and the grime (figuratively and physically). He asks us to put ourselves in the most vulnerable of situations, turn to Him, and keep our eyes focused there.... that, my friends, is no easy task.


(Genesis 37-45) Joseph seemed to have a fantastic life ahead of him, he was the favorite child and, because of this, he got nice things.... but then a roller coaster was on the way. His brothers decide to sell him (down the roller coaster he goes), but the Lord had his hand on him so Potiphar took him in and put him in charge of all he owned (up). Next thing you know, he has Potiphar's wife trying to sleep with him, he refrains (which I am sure was no easy task.... Good job, buddy, we are all proud of you) but then she lies to her husband about him and Potiphar puts him in jail (down). But even in jail, God blesses him by granting him favor in the eyes of the warden, who puts him in charge of all who are being held in prison (a little upward). His luck looked like it might change when he interpenetrates a dream for someone who will be working closely with Pharaoh, but no change (downwards once again). After 2 more years in prison (continue downward decent), Pharaoh finally calls him to interpret a few dreams. Through this he becomes Pharaohs right hand man (up he goes). Next thing you know, his brothers arrive but don't recognize him.... lots of traveling for the brothers.... then finally Joseph told them... (Genesis 45:4-8)
"I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God."

Joseph had to do the difficult thing (what Old Charles told young Charles), he had to embrace the pain. Through the years of difficulty and pain, through the ups and downs, through the lies and hurt of the ones he cared about, he embraced the pain. It would have been very easy to be angry with Potaphar for not believing him, or the guy who got out of prison and forgot about him, and most of all with his brothers for selling him.... but in the end he realized that with the first terrible thing that happened, by his brothers betrayal, he was able to save so many lives. If he would have run away at the first sign of pain, when he first realized that his brothers didn't like him.... he would have been spared so much pain, but he would have missed out on God's amazing plan that was so much bigger than him.

If I am being honest with myself, I often feel tempted to keep myself guarded. I have have been made fun of and I have been criticized. I have been  hurt by many people who were very close to me. I have held malnourished children and seen the faces of hurting parents. I have visited the worst of living conditions and seen pain in others eyes. I have had to bury 2 sisters within the past year. These things are hard and the easiest response is to say what young Charles did "I opened my mind (or heart) and it almost overwhelmed me."... "So much pain." I have wanted to say these words and walk away so many times, but I can't. The pain must continue. I am going to move to Uganda next year to open a home for special needs girls. It is very likely that I will see (and experience) pain and hurt, starvation and death. That is not easy to think about. When we lost Thania I felt like my world was ending.... and now I have to think about the fact that I may have to go through that again? That kills me...
But we must be vulnerable, not for ourselves but for others. We must go to the filth, we must get out of our comfort zone.... if we don't, we are not portraying Him correctly.


So, what is the next step for me? I pick myself up and I continue on the path He has for me. That does not mean that I forget about all the pain I went through. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget some of the hurtful words that were said to me, the living conditions I have witnessed or the pain I have seen. And in no way will I EVER forget Thania or Esperanza or any of the other loved ones I have lost. I do know that He has a greater plan for me than I can ever imagine, but if I continue wallowing in self-pity I will never see this fantastic plan.

So, my job now is to embrace the pain he has put in my life...

I do it so I can better relate to others. 

I do it to remind myself that every moment is precious. 

I do it so others can see that God can use someone who is so, completely broken.

I do it to continually remind myself that I am not in control of my life.

I do it to remind myself and to show others the hope that we all have in Christ.

"It's the greatest gift we have; to bear their pain without breaking."

Side note, sorry that it has taken so long, but within the next few days I will be doing a blog post talking about my vision for what Hope for Home Uganda will look like, prayer requests and ways to help. So, please stay posted for information concerning that :)