The battle of Joy and Sadness

When I sat down two weeks ago to try to write a blog post I had one post in mind, Choose thankfulness, choose Joy. But over the past two weeks, every time I sit down to write God changes my thoughts, my words and eventually my entire blog post little by little. So what started out as a post about choosing Joy had now turned into a blog about the inward battle between the life we wanted and the life we were given and the affects it has on us emotionally..... the battle of Joy and Sadness.

The past few months have been amazing and really difficult all at the same time, a real roller coaster of emotions.... a constant battle of joy and sadness.
On "Joys" side we have:
Cubs win the World Series
Thanksgiving
Christmas season begin
My favorite time of the year!!!
On "Sadness'" side:
I didn't get to celebrate the World Series with my dad.
I have to celebrate all this fun stuff away from most of my family.
This is all making me incredibly homesick and there is nothing I can do about that.

It's actually really interesting to look at how you expected your life and compare it to how it is turning out...
How I had imagined my life 10 years ago (more or less): I would go to collage and get a degree in Physical Therapy. I would meet someone early in my years at university, we would fall in love, get married, live in a small place and get a dog. A few years down the road we would have kids and move into a house and eventually I would become a stay at home mom with a bunch of little kids running around. I imagined the stereotypical, white picket fence, american dream. Perfect.

At THAT moment, I think God laughed at me, picked me up, whispered "I love you, trust me", and threw me into a tornado.
Now: 23, living in Kampala, Uganda (an over populated, way too crowded city that I just don't care for). I am trying to get a ministry started and feeling (lets be honest) completely clueless and lost. I have no collage degree, no car, no husband, no kids.... not even a dog because the apartment I am in is too small. And I am CONSTANTLY homesick.

The harder things get here the more I desire the "american dream". I want a simple, "normal", American life. I want to be able to bake chocolate chip cookies and not worry about my very limited stash of chocolate chips are going down too quickly. I want to be able to step out of the house in shorts and not offend people because 4 inches of my thighs are showing. I want to not have people constantly trying to rip me off because I am white and they assume I am rich. I want to watch a Cubs game with my dad (at a normal hour of the day) and have a cup of coffee with my mom. I want to live down the road from my niece, nephews and younger siblings getting to spoil them and see them grow up. I want snow and a Christmas with the whole family in one place.  I just want to be in the same country as my family, even if that would mean a 12 hour drive. Well, at this point, I would even just love to be able to afford to go home once a year to see my family.

~ Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I realize I am so, very blessed. I thank God regularly for the things he has given me and that is something He is putting on my heart a lot recently, I am really working on it. But I need to be honest.... this life, being so far away from my family and closest friends is incredibly hard (that's all even before I have really started ministry stuff here) ~

The battle between joy and sadness is a very difficult one. You are happy one minute and a very small thing (like a picture or a memory) can send you into extreme sadness, sometimes even depression. Often, just like in the movie Inside Out (if you have not yet seen it, seriously, it's a must) I often feel obligated to try to push away all negative feelings. Anytime I am sad, I try to just get over it. When I am homesick I try to distract myself. When I desire a different life or a different calling I try my best to just drown out my feelings. "Joy" always tries to kick out "sadness", but that is not always the answer.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie everyone turns to Joy for help, but she has different plans:
Joy- "Sadness, its up to you."
Sadness- "Me?!?"..."I cant, Joy."
Joy- "Yes, you can. Riley needs you."


Sadness then steps up, stops Riley from running away and invites Joy to join her at the control console and they work together to fix the whole situation. Sometimes, sadness has its place in our lives.

I so often wrestle with myself, feeling guilty for the fact that I do not yet like the life God has called me to. But sometimes God calls us to hard places so we can prove to Him where our trust really lies. Trials come with sadness.... often lots of sadness, but God will lead us through. God will eventually bring us to a point of eternal joy.

Now and always, I choose trust God. Sometimes that means choosing joy and sometimes that means accepting the sadness, but trust is the key. I have wept. I have grieved. It is time to wash my face. It is time to embrace the life I have. It is time to choose to look to God for the small joys in life.

 It is time to trust.

When God Chooses Not to Heal

Over and over again we see these amazing articles online and hear of these awesome stories of how people were miraculously healed of sicknesses, decease, disabilities, and even brought back from near death experiences. I love hearing these stories: the hope and excitement, the details of how God chooses to heal people, it's incredible! But... what happens when God chooses NOT to heal?

Back in April I was at a friends house for a bible study but it was a unique week and it ended up being me and just two other girls. We ended up watching a video by Angie Smith. It was the story of when Abraham was called to sacrifice Isaac, a story I have heard countless times growing up in the church but she brought a new light to it.... and it changed my view of life.

You know the story (Genesis 22). God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his one and only son, as a burnt offering to the Lord. They go to the mountain and Isaac (not knowing what was about to go down) starts asking questions about where the lamb is for the offering. Abraham tells Isaac that God will provide the lamb. They continue to the top, built the alter and bound Isaac, placing him on the altar. Last minute an angel of the Lord tells him to stop and not hurt his son. It was a test of loyalty to see his willingness to sacrifice what he loved most. God was pleased and in turn blessed Abraham. God then provides a ram for he burn offering and Abraham and Isaac return home... happy ending. But what if there wasn't a happy ending?

If you notice in verse 8, Abraham says to Isaac, "God himself will provide the LAMB for the burnt offering, my son." But then in verse 13, "Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a RAM caught by its horns...." Abraham was promised a lamb but in that moment God provided a ram. I never really paid attention to this because Isaac lived and they had been provided for (like I said, happy ending). However, God could have still fulfilled his promise to Abraham and it would not have seemed like a happy ending. Years down the road, God would send a lamb to save all mankind (Jesus, which would fulfill the promise)... So that day, there on the mountain, with Isaac tied up and ready as an offering, God could have let Abraham go through with it. He could have sacrificed Isaac and returned home childless and God still would have provided just as he said. If that had been the outcome, would that place have still been called "The Lord provides"?

I have stood on the mountain "The Lord provides" many times. In some of those situations he has chosen to provide the ram and we returned home happy and with full hearts, but some of those situations he asked us for the Lamb to be enough. However, it is in NO way easy...

It is so difficult to get the call that your little sister that you said goodbye to less than 24 hours earlier (as you left the country for who knows how long) has just passed and call it "The Lord provides". It is so, incredibly hard to stand between the graves of your 8 month old sister and your 2 month old brother and call it "The Lord provides." It is nearly impossible to be outside a hospital, collapsed on the sidewalk, sobbing from the loss of the little girl you loved as your own and still call it "The Lord provides."



But not just in death. What about sicknesses? Diseases? Disabilities? What happens when you are called to a life of physical pain and difficulties and you just don't understand why the ram is not being provided? About 5 years ago, while doing physical therapy with Kimmie (my younger sister) and she told me, "Sometimes I wish I didn't have Cerebral Palsy, but if I didn't maybe I would not have been adopted by you guys and the family I would be with in Korea might not know Jesus." At (about) the age of 8 she understood that God has the ultimate plan in mind and because of that plan, He has chosen to not heal Kimmie. We have a home full of kids in Guatemala that have not been healed. I know countless individuals who are struggling with the difficulties of the life God has chosen for them, but in all things, the Lord provides. (I do want to make something very clear, each and every one of the individuals that I know have lives just as meaningful as anyone else's. I am in no way claiming that they are suffering through life with no purpose, God has just chosen to give each of as a different kind of difficulty)

So this is what I want to leave you with, whether healed or struggling, whether you have a home full of kids or you are standing over a grave (or multiple) and feel as though there is no reason to keep going, whether he has provided the ram or has asked you to be content with only the Lamb... the truth has always been the same "The Lord provides", we just need to rely on him for the strength each step of the way.

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

I have known for about 2 weeks now that I have really needed to do a blog update. I have had plenty of time, that was not what was keeping me from it, but it was my lack of content that was preventing me from writing. I don’t really have any updates on my work here (because I am still having trouble getting the appropriate information) and to be honest, its making me very discouraged and making me feel like a failure. So I have just been keeping my mind open to what God might have me write about next…. But yesterday, as I was going about my day, He made it quite clear.

So I have been slowly working through a book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss called Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free. Today for my devotions I was reading a small section titled “God’s grace is sufficient for me”…

A few weeks ago, we were at a book store and remembering that I am nearing the end of my prayer journal, I bought a new one. As I was cleaning this afternoon, I came across it…

I think God is trying to get something past my thick skull.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am weak. I make mistakes. I am a failure at time. But I will always rejoice because in those moments he is still perfect! He uses the worst of my moments to prove his grace....
His grace is sufficient.
His grace is infinite.
His grace is perfect.
His grace is made for me.

The Happenings.... Part 2 (The important, Uganda stuff)

Okay, I am so sorry that it has been so long since I have given a real update. If I am being honest it was because I had such a good time in the United States that I so did not want to think about (let alone return to) Uganda. As most of you know, my time here in Uganda has been lonely, boring and discouraging, but I have said it before and I will say it 100,000 more times.... I have no doubt that this is exactly where God has called me, so I have returned and I also know that God is going to do some great things in me through this! My trust in fully in God and that is exactly where it is going to stay. So, again, I am sorry for my horrible communication, I will be working very hard to improve.

Well, with that out of the way, let me get going with th Uganda portion of the blog update....

On Wednesday, August 3^rd Taryn and I hopped on a plane and were in Uganda the following night….
Only to realize I did not have access to my apartment. Come to find, someone tried to break in while I was gone, so a neighbor added an extra pad lock to the door. She was at work so we could not get the key from her. Luckily a friend of mine allowed us to crash at her place that night. The next morning everything was worked out, got in the apartment, nothing missing, all is good…. Praise God! We spent the next few days cleaning, doing some unpacking, recovering from jet lag and introducing Taryn to Uganda.... food, transportation, grocery shopping, the basics :)

Monday was my birthday so we hung out all lazy like, went out for lunch and saw Suicide Squad (a movie that I have been looking forward to for like 2 years since I first found out it was in the making). Tuesday was Taryn’s birthday (we are 5 years, 8 hours and 30 minutes apart) so we were lazy again, hung out for a while, went out for coffee and a nice, fancy (for us) desert and then went to see Jason Bourne (we are both a little obsessed with the Bourne series so that was super exciting as well).

Now we are getting to work. Contacting more ministries for Taryn’s time here, I am working on catching up on computer work, contacts and things like that. We will be working more on getting settled in, figuring out what needs to be changed and tweaked in the apartment with an additional person in the place. 

Now the interesting things are coming up. This is where I need your prayer and your help.
First of all, I was planning on starting the licensing process to open up the home, but I was recently informed that the Ugandan government is shut down for the month of August. So now I shall start house hunting. The one problem with that, my finances are in no place to move into a larger (and in turn more expensive) place, especially considering that also means I will have to hire a guard. But I have no doubt that God will provide in his timing. So I am hoping to start house hunting very soon and I will keep you all posted on that.

Other prayer requests....
The main thing is, I really need prayer for emotional and mental reasons. The way my mind works is very interesting and often very frustrating. I have a lot of trouble focusing on tasks and getting stuff done, no matter how hard I try. It will hopefully be a little better now that I have Taryn around to keep me accountable. But prayers would be greatly appreciated. Also, I am not bad at setting up house, grocery shopping, cooking, hands on work like that.... but paperwork and computer work, all the legal work is very much out of my comfort zone. These are things that need to be done and I am the only one to do it, but I need prayer for wisdom, discernment and perseverance seeing as I have a LOT of it coming up.

Thank you so much for your prayers!

The Happenings... part 1 (U.S. update)

This is just a very brief summery of my time in the states. I am working on Part 2 of this blog where I will inform everyone of the happenings here in Uganda. But for the moment..... pictures of my trip!

My time in the states was amazing! Landed in the Pennsylvania area and got to spend a few days with family.

Taryn and I then did the Equip International Medical Missions Intensive training in North Carolina… Exhausting and amazing! Then spent a week with family there.

Then we headed to Ohio for a lot of stuff....
Went to a total of 4 weddings, and was in 1 of them.

Was a counselor at Ludlow Falls Kids Kamp (the church camp in Ohio that we went to growing up)

Got to go to Chicago and see the Cubs with Shauna and Andi!!!

I spent tons of time hanging out and catching up with friends and family!

And finished up with family camping in Pennsylvania.

It was an amazing trip and I want to thank everyone who helped me while I was in the states. I feel so blessed to have so many people willing to do so much for me! God bless you all!

Stay posted for part 2 of this blog that will explain everything here in Uganda!