Learning to live life while craving death

I have have been wanting to write this blog for a months and months, and have been in the process of actually writing it for weeks now... it is a hard one to write. It is emotional and it is very difficult to find the wording to properly convey my feelings, so if this all sounds scatterbrained I am very sorry, please bear with me.

God is good! I do not question His greatness.... but he has called me to a very difficult life (and others as well, I am not downplaying what others go through in any way, I am only talking from my own experience). I live a life chock-full of goodbyes, death, watching those suffer in pain and struggle with disabilities. I live half a world away from my family and most of my friends. I am missing my nephew, niece and younger siblings grow up from afar. I have missed friends falling in love, getting married and having babies. I have no spouse, no kids, no ministry partner and no roommate which makes my life here quite lonely. I have had to hug and kiss Christian (who was like a son to me) one last time, hand him to his parents and walk away. I have now seen 4 of my younger siblings burred, one of which was like a daughter to me. So many people look at me as a young, innocent girl that doesn't understand life... I have been through a lot and, sadly, this is just the beginning. I have a lot of ministry work ahead of me, I have no idea the pain and difficulties to come.

I crave death!

"But in my mind's eye I can see a place where your glory fills every empty space. All the cancer is gone, every mouth is fed and there's no one left in the orphans' bed. Every lonely heart finds their one true love and there's no more goodbye and no more not enough and there's no more enemy. No more." -Heaven is the Face, Steven Curtis Chapman

Every single thing that I mentioned up there (and so, so much more) is a continues reminder that the enemy is here. This world is filled with so much suffering and pain; things we will never be able to escape while being here, but heaven.... that's a whole new story.

I hear others talk about being afraid to die, but I find it very hard to even have the desire to live, knowing what we have to look forward to. Now, I need to make something very clear... I am in no way a suicide risk. That is just not the case in anyway, so there is no reason to worry about that. I am only saying that this life is incredibly hard and we have sooooooo much to look forward to!

So now we get to the interesting part.... The "Learning to live life..." part, as opposed to the "...craving death" part.

I must continue. Even when I want to give up I must learn to live with passion. Until he calls me to the next life I must live a life on fire for him.  I must climb out of bed every day and ask Him what I should do that day. I must use my difficulties and pain to relate to others so I can lead them closer to Christ (because life is truly pointless unless I point others towards Him). God has me here for a reason... so until the day comes when he sees fit to take me to be with Him (and once again see, hold and love on Thania, Angelita, Esperanza and Micah) I am here to do whatever He asks of me.

Some times I am still unsure of how to do this. Some days no matter how hard I try it feels just about impossible to climb out of bed, knowing the difficulties that are ahead.... on those bad days I am trying to just cling to God, because what else can you do?

"I love you I'm trying to love you more.
I'm ready, please help me love you more.
-Love You More, Nichole Nordeman